10waystohaveabetterconversation.docx
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1、10 ways to have a better conversationAll right, I want to see a show of hands: how many of you have unfriended someone on Facebook because they said something offensive about politics or religion, childcare, food?And how many of you know at least one person that you avoid because you just dont want
2、to talk to them?You know, it used to be that in order to have a polite conversation, we just had to follow the advice of Henry Higgins in My Fair Lady: Stick to the weather and your health. But these days, with climate change and anti-vaxxing, those subjects -are not safe either. So this world that
3、we live in, this world in which every conversation has the potential to devolve into an argument, where our politicians cant speak to one another and where even the most trivial of issues have someone fighting both passionately for it and against it, its not normal. Pew Research did a study of 10,00
4、0 American adults, and they found that at this moment, we are more polarized, we are more divided, than we ever have been in history. Were less likely to compromise, which means were not listening to each other. And we make decisions about where to live, who to marry and even who our friends are goi
5、ng to be, based on what we already believe. Again, that means were not listening to each other. A conversation requires a balance between talking and listening, and somewhere along the way, we lost that balance.Now, part of that is due to technology. The smart phones that you all either have in your
6、 hands or close enough that you could grab them really quickly. According to Pew Research,about a third of American teenagers send more than a hundred texts a day. And many of them, almost most of them, are more likely to text their friends than they are to talk to them face to face. Theres this gre
7、at piece in The Atlantic. It was written by a high school teacher named Paul Barnwell. And he gave his kids a communication project. He wanted to teach them how to speak on a specific subject without using notes. And he said this: I came to realize.I came to realize that conversational competence mi
8、ght be the single most overlooked skill we fail to teach. Kids spend hours each day engaging with ideas and each other through screens, but rarely do they have an opportunity to hone their interpersonal communications skills. It might sound like a funny question, but we have to ask ourselves: Is the
9、re any 21st-century skill more important than being able to sustain coherent, confident conversation?Now, I make my living talking to people: Nobel Prize winners, truck drivers, billionaires, kindergarten teachers, heads of state, plumbers. I talk to people that I like. I talk to people that I dont
10、like. I talk to some people that I disagree with deeply on a personal level. But I still have a great conversation with them. So Id like to spend the next 10 minutes or so teaching you how to talk and how to listen.Many of you have already heard a lot of advice on this, things like look the person i
11、n the eye, think of interesting topics to discuss in advance, look, nod and smile to show that youre paying attention, repeat back what you just heard or summarize it. So I want you to forget all of that. It is crap.There is no reason to learn how to show youre paying attention if you are in fact pa
12、ying attention.Now, I actually use the exact same skills as a professional interviewer that I do in regular life. So, Im going to teach you how to interview people, and thats actually going to help you learn how to be better conversationalists. Learn to have a conversation without wasting your time,
13、 without getting bored, and, please God, without offending anybody.Weve all had really great conversations. Weve had them before. We know what its like. The kind of conversation where you walk away feeling engaged and inspired, or where you feel like youve made a real connection or youve been perfec
14、tly understood. There is no reason why most of your interactions cant be like that.So I have 10 basic rules. Im going to walk you through all of them, but honestly, if you just choose one of them and master it, youll already enjoy better conversations.Number one: Dont multitask. And I dont mean just
15、 set down your cell phone or your tablet or your car keys or whatever is in your hand. I mean, be present. Be in that moment. Dont think about your argument you had with your boss. Dont think about what youre going to have for dinner. If you want to get out of the conversation, get out of the conver
16、sation, but dont be half in it and half out of it.Number two: Dont pontificate. If you want to state your opinion without any opportunity for response or argument or pushback or growth, write a blog.Now, theres a really good reason why I dont allow pundits on my show: Because theyre really boring. I
17、f theyre conservative, theyre going to hate Obama and food stamps and abortion. If theyre liberal, theyre going to hate big banks and oil corporations and Dick Cheney. Totally predictable. And you dont want to be like that. You need to enter every conversation assuming that you have something to lea
18、rn. The famed therapist M. Scott Peck said that true listening requires a setting aside of oneself. And sometimes that means setting aside your personal opinion. He said that sensing this acceptance, the speaker will become less and less vulnerable and more and more likely to open up the inner reces
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